What do you take me for, an idiot?
– Charles DeGaulle, asked by a journalist if he was happy.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
– Steve Martin
People ask my why I do this, and I tell them that I have the heart of a small boy … and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
– Stephen King
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
– Aldus Huxley
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
– Timothy Leary
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that 2 are called a law firm; and that 3 or more become a Congress.
– President John Adams
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
– Honore de Balzac
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
– Hal Abelson
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
– Abraham Lincoln
Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen.
– Dave Barry
Put all your eggs in one basket, and then pay very close attention to that basket.
– Warren Buffet
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
– Sigmund Freud
If they try to rush me, I always say, ‘I’ve only got one other speed — and it’s slower.’
– Glenn Ford
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
– W.H. Auden
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
– Robert Frost
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
– Steven Wright
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
– Dorothy Parker
You’d better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
– Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
– Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
– attributed to Groucho Marx
I think the easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
– Dennis Miller
They say that Hell is hot, but is it humid? Because I can take the heat; it’s the humidity I can’t stand.
– Ronnie Shakes
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one
can be the designated driver.
– Jay Leno
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for
a coffin.
– H.L. Mencken
A lot of people wonder how you know if you’re really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question:
‘Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?’
– Ronnie Shakes
If they could put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all?
– Unknown
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, baseball announcer
There is no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another.
– E.B. White
One chord is fine. Two chords are pushing it. Three and you’re into jazz.
– Lou Reed
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
– George Bernard Shaw
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
– Robin Williams
You know, the Washington Post just reported that I got C’s and D’s my sophomore year, but they failed to report that that was also the year that I invented the bong.
– Speech writer's joke rejected by Al Gore
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henny Youngman
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
– Benjamin Franklin
I know, I know — you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
– Groucho Marx
Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule the first thing every morning it said ‘Intelligence briefing.’
– George W. Bush
George Bush’s lips are where words go to die.
– Garrison Keillor
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
– Edgar Watson Howe