People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
– Sinclair Lewis
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
– Nancy Astor
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
– Winston Churchill
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
– Raymond Chandler
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
– David Letterman
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
– Richard Brenner
He’s completely unspoiled by failure.
– Noel Coward
He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
– Sam Houston
When John Glenn returns to earth, everybody dress like apes.
– Internet joke
One time a guy pulled a knife on me… I could tell it wasn’t a professional job – it had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
– Woody Allen
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
– Douglas Adams
I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.
– Charles Lamb
We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren’t drinkin’ aren’t hittin’.
– Casey Stengel
A circle is the longest distance to the same point.
– Tom Stoppard
‘My country right or wrong’ is like saying ‘my mother drunk or sober’.
– G.K. Chesterton
A metaphysician is a man who goes into a dark cellar at midnight without a light, looking for a black cat that is not there.
– Lord Bowen
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
– James Thurber
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
– Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
I love (Richard) Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
– Charles Baudelaire
Anyone who watches three football games in a row should be declared brain dead.
– Erma Bombeck
If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.
– Samuel Goldwyn
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
– Laurence J. Peter
A friend told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him.
– John Wayne
Without lying there would be no sex.
– Jerry Seinfeld
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
– Douglas Adams
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
– Bill Cosby
I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.
– Bette Davis
‘I cannot over-emphasize the importance of good grammar.’ What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: ‘Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,’ or ‘Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.’
– Dave Barry
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
– Mark Russell
There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
– Timothy Leary
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
– Joseph Fischer
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I
have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the
year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.
– Alfred Hitchcock
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
– Frank Lloyd Wright
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
– John Maynard Keynes
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
– Ambrose Bierce
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
– Will Rogers
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
– Jon Lithgow
Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
– Wernher von Braun
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.
– Paul Harvey