Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to
do.
– Jean-Paul Sartre
There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
– Johnny Carson
I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after
the IRS.
– Robert Bakker, palentologist
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
– Mark Twain
… The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the 9-millimeter bullet.
– Dave Barry
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– John Benfield
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a
smile and a gun.
– Al Capone
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per
gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
– Robert X. Cringely
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
– Will Durant
A hypocrite is a person – but who isn’t?
– Don Marquis
So I called up my wife the other day. I said, ‘Honey, I’ve been thinking about you, I’m getting excited.’ She said, ‘Who is this?!’
– Rodney Dangerfield
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
– Quentin Crisp
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
– Lily Tomlin
I hate music, especially when it’s played.
– Jimmy Durante
If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised.
– Dorothy Parker
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
– Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
– Bette Davis
Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
– Alvin Toffler
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
– Mark Twain
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of
themselves.
– Dorothy Parker
Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.
– Clare Booth Luce
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
– Nick Faldo
Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.
– Groucho Marx
Her body has gone to her head.
– Barbara Stanwyck, about Marilyn Monroe
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
– Robert Byrne
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was … an arctic wilderness.
– Steve Martin
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my
reasons for them.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
– Peter Ustinov
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
– Edgard Varese
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
– Robertson Davies
It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it.
– Thomas Macaulay
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it’s just one of
the risks he takes.
– Adlai Stevenson
I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.
– Tom Stoppard
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.
– P.J. O'Rourke
It’s all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.
– French management saying
Nothing shocks me. I’m a scientist.
– Harrison Ford, as 'Indiana Jones'
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
– Oscar Wilde
Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and
then thrown out.
– Samuel Johnson
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
– Stephen Bishop