Many people quit work when they find a job.
– Laurence J. Peter
Your theory is crazy, but it’s not crazy enough to be true.
– Bertold Brecht
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
– Steve Martin
Go, and never darken my towels again.
– Groucho Marx
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
– Rita Rudner
You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.
– Art Buchwald
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which,
though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
– Franklin P. Adams
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
– Garry Shandling
Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
– Eric Sevareid
USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every
four people make up 75% of the population.
– David Letterman
Believe me, you gotta get up early if you wanna get out of bed.
– Groucho Marx
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
– Robin Williams
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in
it.
– Ashleigh Brilliant
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
– W.C. Fields
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
– Errol Flynn
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
– James Thurber
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.
– Clive James
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
– Billy Wilder, about Marilyn Monroe
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
– Abba Eban
Good fortune obligates.
– Albert Schweitzer
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
– Mark Twain
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
– Han Solo
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
– Sign in an Austrian hotel, ...catering to skiers
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– Pepsi Cola, as originally translated into Chinese
You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
– Bob Dylan
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
– Milton Berle
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
– Russell Baker
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been
one.
– Groucho Marx
I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if
he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
– James Barrie
Newspapermen learn to call a murderer ‘an alleged murderer’ and the
King of England ‘the alleged King of England’ to avoid libel suits.
– Stephen Leacock
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half the time.
– E.B. White
Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!
– Tommy Smothers
There’s a secret to playin’ basketball. But I ain’t tellin’ what it is.
– Larry Bird
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
– H.L. Mencken
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
– Howard Hughes,, about Clark Gable
Michael Jackson’s album was only called “Bad” because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for “Pathetic.”
– The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
– Noel Coward
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However,
luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
– Cartoon caption
Every crowd has a silver lining.
– P.T. Barnum