I would have made a good pope.
– Richard M. Nixon
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
– Perelman
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
– Woody Allen
Assassins!
– Arturo Toscanini, to his orchestra
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
– Arnold Toynbee
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.
– Benchley's Law of Distinction
Manchester, New Hampshire is a broken down mill-town … with an aggressive Chamber of Commerce and America’s worst newspaper. There is not much else to say for it, except that Manchester is a welcome change from Washington, D.C.
– Hunter Thompson
A male gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.
– Newt Gingrich
Dead. That’s what John Smith was when he fell down a manhole.
– James Thurber, satirizing overly dramatic, newspaper writing
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
– Albert Camus
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
– Alice Kahn
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them … well, I have
others.
– Groucho Marx
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know
and I don’t care.
– William Safire
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
– Wilson Mizner
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two
opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the
ability to function.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
Spare no expense to save money on this one.
– Samuel Goldwyn
I may have a terrible job, but at least I don’t have any job security.
– Dilbert
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient
capital to form a corporation.
– Howard Scott
Life is short; live it up.
– Nikita Khrushchev
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
– Cicero
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
– Plato
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
– Mae West
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I
thought: What the hell good would that do?
– Ronnie Shakes
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.
– Katie Saltonovitz
I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball player
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours” He said, “Yes, but not in a row”.
– Steven Wright
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on…
– Robert Byrne
I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
– e e cummings
The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
– Fran Liebowicz
Every editor needs a pimp for a big brother so he has someone to look up to.
– HL Mencken
Things should be explained as simply as possible, but not more simply.
– Albert Einstein
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
– Will Rogers
The way I figure it, you’ve got the same chance of winning the lottery whether you buy a ticket or not.
– Fran Liebowicz
Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better for them.
– Demonax, Roman Cynic, 150 AD
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
Time wounds all heels.
– Groucho Marx
Kids like to help until they know how.
– Helen Reid, paraphrased
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
– H.L. Mencken
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
– Vincent T. Foss