We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
– Jason Kidd, basketball player
You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
– Kathleen Turner, in Body Heat
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
– James A. Garfield
No matter where you go, there you are.
– Buckaroo Banzai
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
– Steve Martin
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield
He lies so much he had to hire someone to call his dog.
– Unknown
My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants.
– Stephen Colbert
The first thing I’ll do if elected is demand a recount.
– Kinky Friedman
Everything is changing … People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
– Will Rogers
[Charles Darwin] got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey, and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok.
– Stephen Colbert
It’s the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as ‘not African-Americans.’
– Conan O'Brien
Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
– Stephen Colbert
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
– Jerry Seinfeld
It’s not what we don’t know that hurts us, it’s what we know that ain’t so.
– Will Rogers
Stuffed deer heads on the wall are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers — because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
– Ellen DeGeneres
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.
– George Miller
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
– Arthur Baer
If a cat spoke, it would say things like ‘Hey, I don’t see the problem here.’
– Roy Blount, Jr.
The one thing more difficult than following a regimen is not imposing it on others.
– Marcel Proust
I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
– Mark Twain, about the wife of Portsmouth's Thomas Bailey Aldrich
Some people say journalism is in decline, they say you’ve become too politicized, too focused on sensationalism, they say you no longer honor your duty to inform America but instead actively divide us so that your corporate overlord can rake in the profits … I don’t have a joke for this, it’s just what some people say.”
– Jimmy Kimmel, at White House Correspondents Dinner
People will forgive a short man with a beautiful wife if he seems sufficiently surprised.
– Adam Gopnik, on Nicholas Sarkozy
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won’t bother you for weeks.
– Anonymous
My life has been a series of tragedies, none of which actually happened.
– Mark Twain
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
– Groucho Marx
I spent 50 percent of my money on alcohol, women and gambling. The other half, I wasted.
– W.C. Fields
My father didn’t pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. It’s like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay when, if I apply myself properly, I can get it for free.
– George Constanza, Seinfeld