My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
– Milton Berle
Two people writing a novel is like three people having a baby.
– Evelyn Waugh
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
– Ted Turner
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
– Clarence Darrow
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
– Mark Twain
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
– 'Airplane'
There is always an easy solution to every human problem — neat, plausible and wrong.
– H.L. Mencken
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
– Steve Martin
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
– Steve Martin
All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
– Steve Martin
Be thankful for laughter except when milk comes out of your nose.
– Steve Martin
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
– Henny Youngman
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
– George Carlin
If your head is wax, don’t walk in the sun.
– Benjamin Franklin
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
– Mahatma Gandhi
I think it would be a good idea.
– Mahatma Gandhi, asked what he thought of Western civilization
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
– Homer Simpson
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
– Tom Waits
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
– Johnny Carson
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said ‘Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?’
– Gilbert Gottfried
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything
– George Wallace
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
– Milton Berle
Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end?
– Tom Stoppard, 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead'
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
– Homer Simpson
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
– Henny Youngman
When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon.
– Kurt Vonnegut
My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’
– Rodney Dangerfield
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
– Benjamin Franklin
People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.
– Abraham Lincoln
Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all other possibilities.
– Winston Churchill
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
– Abraham Lincoln
A state of doubt is unpleasant, but a state of certainty is ridiculous.
– Voltaire
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.
– Fran
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
– Dorothy Parker, challenged to use 'horticulture' in a sentence
Do not remove a fly from your friend’s forehead with a hatchet.
– Chinese Proverb
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
– Robert Frost
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
– Winston Churchill
Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
– Albert Camus
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
– Robert Graves