Why does man kill? He kills for food. But, often times there must also be a beverage involved.
– Woody Allen
A relationship is like a shark – it has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
– Woody Allen
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will become very happy; if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher–and that is good for any man.
– Socrates
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
– Robert Benchley
A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar.
– Arthur Koestler
Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.
– Frank Zappa
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
On your left is Lombard Street, the second-crookest street in the world — the most crooked of course being Wall Street.
– San Francisco cable car operator
Money cannot bring you happiness, but at least you can be miserable in comfort.
– Oscar Wilde
When I was four, I told my mother I wanted to be a rock star when I grow up. She said, ‘You can’t do both.’
– Steven Tyler, Aerosmith
I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
– Bette Davis, in 'Cabin in the Cotton'
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
– Abraham Lincoln
In the history of the world, no one has ever washed a rented car.
– Larry Summers, Harvard University president
I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I’d think, no, actually I’m a giraffe.
– Richard Gere
Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin says: What makes you so sure I’m not?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and applying the wrong remedies.
– Groucho Marx
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
– Will Rogers
If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas.
– Ma Ferguson, Texas governor, c. 1920
That woman speaks 19 languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.
– Dorothy Parker
All you have to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
– Johann Sebastian Bach
The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
– Gracie Allen
It’s wonderful to be famous as long as you remain unknown.
– Edgar Degas
I tell you, I don’t get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, ‘Basement?’
– Rodney Dangerfield
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
– Ambrose Bierce
A conservative sees a man drowning 50 feet from shore, throws him a 25 foot long rope, and tells him to swim to it. A liberal throws him a rope 50 feet long, then drops his end and goes off to perform another good deed.
– Anonymous
Vote early and often.
– Al Capone
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to
pause and reflect.
– Mark Twain
Who are you going to believe? Me, or you own eyes?
– Groucho Marx
If white people are going to burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues.
– George Carlin
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.
– Ronnie Shakes
Moe: Eureka! Curly: You don’t smell too good yourself.
– Three Stooges
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W.C. Fields
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
– Mark Twain
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
– Albert Einstein, describing radio
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
– Tom Robbins
Unless a man feels he has a good memory, he should never venture to lie.
– Montaigne
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
– Oscar Levant
I don’t know whether I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf.
– Tug McGraw
Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
– Alexandre Dumas