I can’t explain why Americans dropped the last cha in cha-cha-cha. It was either laziness or a lack of rhythm.
– Omar Torres
If a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its booty.
– Jimy Williams, former Red Sox manager
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
– Laurence J. Peter
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach’s ‘St. Matthew’s Passion’ on a ukelele.
– Ben H. Bagdikian
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
– Bert Leston Taylor
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against wacking them around a little.
– Joe Martin
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what’s going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
– Will Rogers
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
– Redd Foxx
He runs pretty good for a fat man.
– Ty Cobb, asked to say something nice about Babe Ruth
I have a lot of respect for the Polish people, especially the way they can drink vodka.
– Thelonius Monk, asked what he thought about polls
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
– Douglas Adams
The ink of a scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
– Mohammed
When you are young you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you are old you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.
– I.F. Stone
If you don’t disagree with me, how will I know I’m right.
– Samuel Goldwyn
Never try to walk across a river because it has an average depth of four feet.
– Martin Friedman
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
– Henry David Thoreau
The illegal we can do right now; the unconstituional will take a little longer.
– Henry Kissinger
Any idiot can face a crisis. It’s the day-to-day living that wears you out.
– Anton Chekhov
Unless we change direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.
– Chinese proverb
Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
– Nelson Algren
A family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
– Martin Mull
Journalism consists largely in saying “Lord Jones died” to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.
– G.K. Chesterton
He has all the qualities of a dog except loyalty.
– Lyndon Johnson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
– Elayne Boosler
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.
– Milton Berle, at the Comedians Hall of Fame induction ceremonies
Laughter is an instant vacation.
– Milton Berle
Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for
a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
– Marilyn Monroe
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation
was bad, he should see how bad it is WITH representation.
– Old Farmer's Almanac
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off
their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
– Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain
Always, scribble, scribble, scribble, eh, Mr. Gibbon?
– Duke of Gloucester, in 1781, after being presented a copy of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Vol. 2
What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
– Abraham Lincoln
Only in America.
– Yogi Berra, upon hearing that the mayor of Dublin was Jewish
A doctor can bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
– Frank Lloyd Wright
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
– Woody Allen
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
– Yoga Berra, allegedly
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
– Joe Theismann, former quaterback
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
– Johnny Carson
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
– Laurence J. Peter