Talking about the end

Lifestyle
Death cafés make a difficult conversation easier

For Rondi Boyer, a hospice nursing assistant and former volunteer coordinator at the Hyder Family Hospice House in Dover, NH, death is part of life’s natural cycle. She sees death and talks about it frequently in her line of work. But Boyer knows this is something of an exception among most people.

“We are so removed from death,” Boyer says. “As a culture, we are afraid to talk about death, and therefore, lots of us don’t know what to do when we are faced with death in our own lives.”

It’s that idea that prompted Boyer to organize a “death café” at the Dover Public Library on Jan. 12. The event is a local version of an international movement in which people are able to discuss death, and the myriad issues associated with it, in a relaxed setting. The idea, according to Boyer, is to lessen the stigma and fear surrounding the idea of death and provide a forum for a natural, unmediated conversation. Boyer’s event was one of the latest in a series of recent death cafés in the Seacoast — Hospice Hope Foundation hosted a death café at the Portsmouth Public Library on Jan. 16, and other cafés have been held in Newmarket and Rochester.

“We just freewheel it,” says Boyer. “If there is a lag in conversation, I suggest another topic, but generally, people are eager to discuss what they have always wanted to know or ask.”

Jon Underwood, a Web developer and self-styled “death entrepreneur,” hosted the first death café in London in 2011. Speaking in 2013 to NPR’S “All Things Considered,” Underwood explained his experience of creating the first death café: “When people sit down to talk about death, the pretense kind of falls away, and people talk very openly and authentically. And they say things in front of strangers which are really profound and beautiful.”

Underwood’s first event, held in his London home and facilitated by psychotherapist Sue Barsky Reid (who is also Underwood’s mother), has spawned an international “social franchise” in which individuals can agree to hold their own cafes based on a guide created by Underwood and Reid. At last count, there had been 2,676 death cafés in 32 countries around the world, including more than 1,500 here in the United States.

We are so removed from death. … As a culture, we are afraid to talk about death, and therefore, lots of us don’t know what to do when we are faced with death in our own lives.” – Rondi Boyer

Fifteen people attended the death café in Dover on a snowy night in early January. Curiosity, personal experience and fear all played a part in encouraging people to attend the informal discussion. And, of course, refreshments help — tea, coffee, and cake keep the setting intimate and relaxed. There’s no formal agenda and no goal. According to Boyer, the only aim is to have a conversation, and no subject is taboo.

One young man said he had been thinking about his aging parents, and the inevitable choices, feelings, and actions he would face as they neared the end of their lives. Another participant was keen to discuss the sudden death of his girlfriend and the silence that surrounded him at work as his colleagues were too afraid and unsure of how to approach the subject.

“It’s not morbid. It’s an exploration. It’s empowering,” says Boyer. “We have let funeral services and hospitals take power — death is shrouded by mystery. The café allows for conversation. It helps people explore their thoughts in a safe environment.”

The café is not designed for children, but Boyer does believe a dedicated death café for young people would be wonderful. It’s also not designed for those who are recently bereaved or seeking bereavement counseling. Boyer says she can point people in the right direction if they are in need of those services.

Participants don’t have to share or add to the conversation; simply observing and listening are encouraged. But at the Jan. 12 death café, it was evident that most people had an experience, a story, or a thought that they wanted to express.

“The idea is that it allows people the freedom to talk about what they are afraid of,” says Boyer. “These gatherings help us start the conversation of death and dying. And really, that’s the only way we can let go of the fear.”

A death café will take place Wednesday, Feb. 17 at 6 p.m. at the Dover Public Library, 73 Locust St., Dover, NH. Visit deathcafe.com for more details and to find other death cafés in the area.