Seven deadly summer dangers

What is the function of newspapers? To inform, sure, but also to cause mass hysteria with sensational stories of dubious veracity. Remember Y2K? Total goldmine. At The Sound, we generally stick to informing, albeit with regular doses of fun and humor. But we don’t want to completely neglect that other vital function of the media.

So here it goes:

There’s a very good chance you will die this summer. The question is how. There are so many ways to perish. You could be mauled by a wild animal, or infected by a tiny bug. You could go swimming and drown, or you could go mountain biking and crash into a tree. If it’s warm and sunny, you could die of heat stroke (or at least get a bad sunburn). If it’s rainy and windy, well, that can kill you too.

We can’t save your life. All we can do is inform you of the gravest dangers to give you a realistic shot at survival. However, it would be impossible for us to list all the hazards that threaten your life in this most odious of seasons. So we’ll start with seven.

Have a great summer.

Sharks
This June marks the 40th anniversary of Steven Spielberg’s classic thriller, “Jaws.” We encourage you to watch it, because although it is fictional, and although the shark is actually a robot, and although the plot is highly implausible, and although marine biologists have tried for decades to dispel the myths it propagates about these normally timid fish… where was I going with this? Right — the point is, sharks are very real and potentially very dangerous, and they inhabit the very waters where we swim and surf and dispose of our effluent. In recent years, there have been sightings of mako sharks, blue sharks, basking sharks, and other large shark varieties off the coast of New Hampshire. And, according to reports last June, great white shark numbers are surging up and down the East Coast. Yes, great whites — the species from “Jaws.” So, stay out of the water, sit on the couch, and watch the movie. And don’t forget about the three sequels.

Deer ticks
I’m going to keep this one short, because if you’re like me, you’re sick of reading and hearing about ticks. Suffice it to say, the heinous little arachnids are spreading in unprecedented numbers, they can carry Lyme disease and other lethal ailments, and they want your blood. Experts advise us to cover ourselves in bug spray with toxic chemicals in it, wear long pants, tuck our pants into our socks, wear long-sleeved shirts (while not dying of heat exhaustion), check for ticks 37 times a day… Dude, just stay inside.

Black widow spiders
Speaking of arachnids, do you know what the most venomous spider in North America is? That’s right — the black widow! But they don’t live anywhere near New England, so I’m not worried about that. Wait, what? A woman was just bitten by a black widow in Vermont late last month? Mother (expletive deleted)! Yes, the Colchester resident was peacefully eating from a bag of grapes (purchased at Shaw’s) when a black widow crawled up her arm and sank its fangs into her. She was hospitalized, but, miraculously, survived. Black widows and other poisonous spiders are known to hitch rides in loads of grapes or bananas, ending up in a grocery store near you. Their bites are rarely fatal, but nevertheless, our advice to you is to avoid all fruit. And, when you’re done watching “Jaws,” watch “Arachnophobia,” which turns 25 this year.

A coyote searching for human prey.

Coyotes
The Sound published a story back in January about how several once-rare wildlife species in New Hampshire are now thriving, including bobcats and coyotes. It was presented largely as a success story, and a coyote expert stressed that the misunderstood animals rarely pose a threat to humans or their pets. But, last November, a coyote reportedly attacked a woman and her dog in Greenland, and both suffered multiple bite wounds. More recently, in April, two New Jersey residents were attacked and bitten by coyotes, according to the New York Times. It appears coyotes are, in fact, a year-round threat. But, since you’re more likely to be outside in summer, you’re that much more likely to be brutalized. Humans nearly drove coyotes into regional extinction some decades back, so it could be they’re seeking vengeance. Some wildlife experts believe wolves will soon make a comeback, and they too have a strong motive for revenge. When you’re done watching “Jaws” and “Arachnophobia,” watch “The Grey.”

This dog wants to bite you so bad.

Dogs
During the aforementioned coyote attack in Greenland, the victim’s dog reportedly helped fend off the aggressor. But can domestic dogs really be trusted? After all, they share common ancestry with coyotes. And, in summertime, they run rampant on sidewalks, public parks, hiking trails, and so on. Dog attacks are in fact so commonplace in the Seacoast that at least one Portsmouth law firm offers “dog bite injury lawyers.” From the firm’s website: “When a pit bull, Rottweiler or any other breed attacks someone the injuries can include gouging, infection, nerve damage and scarring. The victims often tell us the worst injuries are the psychological scars that endure long after the animal attack.” Also, dogs can get rabies, which can transform even the cuddliest pooch into a vicious, frothing maniac. Add “Cujo” to your Netflix queue.

Groundhogs
Speaking of rabies, you may recall that last November a surly groundhog ambushed a man in his backyard in Hampton. It was likely in the “excitative” stage of rabies, also known as the “furious” stage. (By the way, just about any warm-blooded animal can get rabies, so watch out for bats, skunks, raccoons, porcupines, fishers, foxes, and bunnies, too.) A photo of the scurvy rodent snarling wrathfully through the victim’s front door went viral, spurring a spoof photo contest. The contest was meant as a funny gag. But I doubt you’ll be c