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Quotes

"A conservative sees a man drowning 50 feet from shore, throws him a 25 foot long rope, and tells him to swim to it. A liberal throws him a rope 50 feet long, then drops his end and goes off to perform another good deed."

Anonymous

"Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."

Ambrose Bierce

"We still have one breath left and we're going to use it."

Doug Mientkiewicz, Red Sox first baseman

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."

John Kenneth Galbraith

"I tell you, I don't get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, 'Basement?' "

Rodney Dangerfield

"It's wonderful to be famous as long as you remain unknown."

Edgar Degas

"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."

Gracie Allen

"All you have to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."

Johann Sebastian Bach

"That woman speaks 19 languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."

Dorothy Parker

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas."

Ma Ferguson, Texas governor, c. 1920

"Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco."

Will Rogers

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and applying the wrong remedies."

Groucho Marx

"Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin says: What makes you so sure I'm not?"

"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe."

Richard Gere

"In the history of the world, no one has ever washed a rented car."

Larry Summers, Harvard University president

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

Abraham Lincoln

"I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."

Bette Davis , in 'Cabin in the Cotton'

"When I was four, I told my mother I wanted to be a rock star when I grow up. She said, 'You can't do both.'"

Steven Tyler, Aerosmith

"Money cannot bring you happiness, but at least you can be miserable in comfort."

Oscar Wilde

"On your left is Lombard Street, the second-crookest street in the world -- the most crooked of course being Wall Street."

San Francisco cable car operator

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

Mark Twain

"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."

Frank Zappa

"A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar."

Arthur Koestler

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

Robert Benchley

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will become very happy; if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher--and that is good for any man."

Socrates

"A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."

Woody Allen

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. But, often times there must also be a beverage involved."

Woody Allen

"Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car."

Laurence J. Peter

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

Johnny Carson

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe Theismann, former quaterback

"Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked."

Yoga Berra, allegedly

"A doctor can bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."

Frank Lloyd Wright

"Only in America."

Yogi Berra, -- Yogi Berra upon hearing that the mayor of Dublin was Jewish

"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself."

Abraham Lincoln

"Always, scribble, scribble, scribble, eh, Mr. Gibbon?"

Duke of Gloucester, in 1781, after being presented a copy of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Vol. 2

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

Mark Twain

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

Mark Twain

"If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is WITH representation."

Old Farmer's Almanac

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

Marilyn Monroe

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

Milton Berle

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

Milton Berle, at the Comedians Hall of Fame induction ceremonies

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Elayne Boosler

"He has all the qualities of a dog except loyalty."

Lyndon Johnson

"Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive."

G.K. Chesterton

"A family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."

Martin Mull

"Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."

Nelson Algren

"Unless we change direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."

Chinese proverb

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."

Anton Chekhov

"The illegal we can do right now; the unconstituional will take a little longer."

Henry Kissinger

"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."

Henry David Thoreau