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Quotes
| "I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight." | Mark Twain, about the wife of Portsmouth's Thomas Bailey Aldrich |
| "The one thing more difficult than following a regimen is not imposing it on others." | Marcel Proust |
| "If a cat spoke, it would say things like 'Hey, I don't see the problem here.'" | Roy Blount, Jr. |
| "Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." | Arthur Baer |
| "The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again." | George Miller |
| "Stuffed deer heads on the wall are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers -- because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot." | Ellen DeGeneres |
| "It's not what we don't know that hurts us, it's what we know that ain't so." | Will Rogers |
| "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." | Jerry Seinfeld |
| "Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset." | Stephen Colbert |
| "It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" | Conan O'Brien |
| "[Charles Darwin] got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey, and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok." | Stephen Colbert |
| "Everything is changing ... People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." | Will Rogers |
| "The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount." | Kinky Friedman |
| "My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants." | Stephen Colbert |
| "He lies so much he had to hire someone to call his dog." | Unknown |
| "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." | Rodney Dangerfield |
| "Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town." | Steve Martin |
| "No matter where you go, there you are." | Buckaroo Banzai |
| "The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." | James A. Garfield |
| "You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man." | Kathleen Turner, in Body Heat |
| "We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees." | Jason Kidd, basketball player |
| "The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good." | Robert Graves |
| "Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question." | Albert Camus |
| "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." | Winston Churchill |
| "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." | Robert Frost |
| "Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet." | Chinese Proverb |
| "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." | Dorothy Parker, challenged to use 'horticulture' in a sentence |
| "A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you." | Françoise Sagan |
| "A state of doubt is unpleasant, but a state of certainty is ridiculous." | Voltaire |
| "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee." | Abraham Lincoln |
| "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all other possibilities." | Winston Churchill |
| "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." | Abraham Lincoln |
| "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." | Benjamin Franklin |
| "My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, 'All kids smell that way.'" | Rodney Dangerfield |
| "When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon." | Kurt Vonnegut |
| "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother." | Henny Youngman |
| "Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." | Homer Simpson |
| "Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?" | Tom Stoppard, 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead' |
| "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." | Milton Berle |
| "At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything" | George Wallace |
| "Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'" | Gilbert Gottfried |
| "Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves." | Johnny Carson |
| "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West." | Rodney Dangerfield |
| "The large print giveth and the small print taketh away." | Tom Waits |
| "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening." | Homer Simpson |
| "I think it would be a good idea." | Mahatma Gandhi, asked what he thought of Western civilization |
| "I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." | Mahatma Gandhi |
| "If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun." | Benjamin Franklin |
| "George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country." | George Carlin |
| "You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler." | Henny Youngman |
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